loving life

loving life, originally uploaded by northpolemama.

Fireworks and the 4th of July have always gone together for me. I'm talking about the big firework shows you take the whole family to, where you bring your blanket and lay by the river listening to the music that's supposed to go along with the fireworks. I've missed that since I moved to Alaska. We have little roadside firework stands of course, and on New Years we even have a fireworks show (we have to watch it from the warmth of our heated cars and listen to the music on the radio while we watch, but there are shows), but the festivals and fireworks shows from my southern upbringing are are just memories up here where the sun shines brightly all night long during the summer months. We can, however, still celebrate. BBQs and volleyball games, lots of friends and family, drinking and talking and laughing. Do you think that's what the founding fathers thought of when they were struggling to set up this country? I have a feeling it was something like that.

Even harder the 2nd time around...

So if you read my blog AT ALL you pretty much know that the last few years have been a rollercoaster going off the tracks at high speed kinda time. 8 years ago I quit smoking and last November I started right back. So now, after all that time of being nicotine free, I am having to go through the withdrawals all over again. It isn't making me the nicest person to be around let me tell you. I pretty much want the entire city to just stop speaking for a little while, but I doubt that's gonna happen and if it did I'd probably freak out anyway, so what to do? I think I'll get through it after a few days of torturous agony...just mad at myself for doing it again. Life wasn't screwed up enough I thought I'd add to it a bit, LOL! I just hope I can be liveable and that my loved ones will understand what I am going through and love me despite my short temper and crankiness. It will be short lived I promise.

even in the middle of Alaska

we enjoy a good day at the beach. There is a state park right outside of North Pole called Chena Lakes. there are campsites and boat rentals, a playground, bike trail and volleyball courts... but the be all and end all for my little one is the "beach" . He plays in the water, makes sandcastles, and on this particular day got buried in the sand up to his ears. It brings back memories of driving to the lake in Arkansas when I was a little girl. Only the lakes were farther away and we went maybe once a summer if that, I don't really come from an outdoorsy stock. A trip the the lake for a few hours on a hot sunny day makes me forget I'm in the middle of Alaska. I really feel like its summer in those moments. I am getting used to living here. As much as I missed Arkansas when we first moved here I know that if I ever moved away from Alaska I would miss it just as much. Sometimes at night it gets a little chilly here. Whenever someone asks my youngest if he needs a jacket he tells them, "Naw. I'm an Alaskan." Surprising how proud it makes me to hear him say that. I was born here, my youngest child was born here, I am Alaskan.

Fresh New Start...again!

Does that really make it a fresh new start? Just to say it is? Ah well... I am determined to get it right one of these times. Now is as good of a time as any I suppose.
I have been out of work for almost three months now. I had the best of intentions on getting my business started, but life has ideas of its own sometimes. I had to move, so I moved. I had a pretty bad allergy attack that lasted almost a month and exhausted me terribly, I went to the dr. He fixed me. I took a vacation. 10 days in California was just too good of an offer to pass up. So I went. Had a fabulous time and I'm glad I did it. But now its time to get busy. Dust off my personal cobwebs and kick some butt.

My first idea was to offer free photo sessions for people in the Fairbanks/North Pole area. Get some exposure as well as expand my portfolio. I've had a good response from that. Offering them until the end of July. I am also working on an art show with a friend. We hope to have it sometime this summer while the tourists are here. Very excited about that. I submitted a photo to our local newspaper and am working on putting some things together for a few magazines I think might be interested in some of my work. Can't wait to get the feedback on those!
In the meantime I am spending the summer with my children. The last summer before my daughter leaves for college and I wouldn't trade a minute of it for any job in the world.

here i go again...

here i go again..., originally uploaded by northpolemama.

How do I make money doing what I love to do? Play. Have fun. Live life. Create. See the beauty in all things, not just the obviously beautiful. I have a great resume for said job. Just tell me where to drop it off. Please!!

long time no post

as usual i have been busy. not necessarily to busy to post on my blog, or to post pictures on flickr, or to check in on facebook, myspace, or twitter... but just busy with living life in general.  i am, for the first time in quite a while, content. fairly content at least. there will always be things i would like to happen differently, and that is a part of life i am ok with... but i am also happy with the present. excited about the future. at peace with the past. i have found myself struglling with bouncing between feeling controlled (an issue i have had with most of my relationships) and being out of control (a problem i bring on myself by trying to escape the control imposed on me by others) , but right now i am in an unfamiliar place of balance. missing the webfriends, but aside from that ... bliss and balance abound.

I lust for the magnificent. Every day I wake up ready to make bold choices and grand ideas pop into my head and I want to LIVE! As my day goes on I seem to follow a pattern that others expect of me. I shower, get dressed, go to work, come home, take care of my family duties and spend time with my children, and then the day is over. Wait! What happened to grand decisions? What happened to bold choices and magnificent situations? It is as if I am just sleep walking through a life that was put in front of me. I am, however, well aware it is a life that I created myself. If I created this life, can I not create the one I dream of every night? The one I wake up every morning excited about? I know it will start with just one choice, which will lead to another and another. I am constantly on the lookout for it. Waiting, knowing that when it comes I will be ready. Ready to say yes. Ready to jump into the pool of my life buck naked and head first. Until then, I enjoy most days. My children bring me a happiness I could never know anywhere else, and I know that they won't be young enough to share that with me for much longer. I enjoy them so much. In my bold, creative, future dream they are right beside me, laughing, full of joy, knowing in their hearts that anything truly is possible and that everyone can live their dreams every day. That is what I want to show them most of all, that anything is possible, that the world is theirs to dictate, that they can live their dreams. Here's to today! It may be the day I get to make a bold choice, who knows?